If you follow my blog you already know a little bit about me! I have two rowdy boys, Timmy who is 3 years old and Charlie who is 1 year old. My husband Jordan is the sweetest and constantly loving on us. I have been a stay at home mom for about 1 year now. It has been a really good change and a huge blessing to our family. It is a roller coaster of hard days and really wonderful days.
Since I made the decision to stay home full time a lot of women ask me how and why we made that decision. I wrote a post on 4 steps to consider in becoming a stay at home mom. Hopefully it will equip other mom’s with information to determine if that is the best thing for their family.
I am one who likes to know why! I like to understand cause and effect of all things in life. I like to know the direct relationship between actions and outcome so that I can optimize the outcome to align with my plans and desires. I am fun, outgoing, and spontaneous but what most people don’t know about me is a lot of what I do is strategic and done with a purpose that will result in a desired outcome. So that takes me to my miscarriage…
I had considered the possibility of a miscarriage years in advance of trying to get pregnant and took the ‘proper steps’ to avoid it. I never went on the pill (for a couple of reasons) but one of which was to avoid the risk of a miscarriage because that’s what people said could cause it. I was healthy, exercised, didn’t drink, smoke, or use drugs…ever. So I thought I had a good handle on preventing this scenario. I was serving God, growing in my faith, and thriving in my marriage. I already experienced my share of trials and challenges in my faith and had passed the test by choosing to follow God above all else. According to my standards, at this point, it was smooth sailing into this next phase of life, right God?
Even when the doctor explained to me that my body was beginning the process of miscarrying the baby I thought, ‘not me’. I’m going to pray with all my heart and God will save my baby, right God?
The hard reality I needed to come to terms with is I am not in control. We are not in control. God took me to a place where I could not change the circumstance, nothing I could do would change the outcome. That was frustrating. God ‘seemed’ silent because He wasn’t doing what I told Him to do. I was humbled greatly as I was driven to a place of total surrender and reliance upon HIM.
We remember our baby by keeping the sonogram picture and remembrance ornament in our bedroom with us.
Hillary Scott wrote the song Thy Will Be Done about her miscarriage. I have listened to that song a million times and every time the line “You are God and I am not” strikes me to the core. I constantly need that reminder.
The book of Job has taught me so much in this area of my life. God offered no explanation to Job, but rather called all involved into a deeper level of trust in the Creator, who rules over the world with perfect wisdom and mercy. We may not know what is going on in heaven or what God’s purposes are, but we must trust Him. Because of this, the matter of determining why we suffer becomes obsolete to the matter of God’s perfect wisdom. I pray that if you are in a place of trial or tragedy that you seek Him with all your heart and find Him!
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13
Another song I listened to over and over is Good Good Father by WorshipMob. After drawing near to God and walking closely with Him you can’t deny His overwhelming goodness. This song is a constant reminder and celebration of that.
One of the lines in Good Good Father is, “…I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you are like…”. Some of those stories might be good and some of those stories might be bad ones but I urge you to find out for yourself. Seek Him with all your heart and determine for yourself who He is. Then you will know what they mean when they sing, “…a love so undeniable that I can hardly speak, a peace so explainable that I can hardly think…”.