My name is Stephanie Wood (Cato). I am a 23 year old full-time nanny to two sweet young girls. My husbands name is Justin Wood, he is a 25 year old video editor. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 5.
I love being young and married, it’s a blessing to be able to do life with my best friend and to know that, God willing, we have an entire lifetime of experiences together. One of the many reasons we decided to get married so young was that we both wanted to start families young and to have a lot of children running around. I had always envisioned that as soon as we got married it would be a breeze to fall pregnant and start growing our family.
After about 1 year of just taking pregnancy tests, we decided we needed to take more control of our fertility. It was like a full time job paying attention to everything, it still took us 7 months more of trying until I finally saw the “Pregnant” result one morning.
I remember how happy I was, happy isn’t even a good word for it. I was more overwhelmed with joy, excited that after months of crying and feeling like a failure that I had finally done the one thing that only I could do in our marriage, I was pregnant. I had the honor of carrying our first baby, taking care of them, feeling such peace having them with me. I remember calling Justin, who had left for work shortly before, crying and telling him the exciting news and then driving to his work and just sitting in the car with him talking about how we were finally a mom and dad. It felt surreal.
We shared the news with all of our family by driving to each of their houses and videotaping their reactions when we told them all that we were expecting, it was an honor to see their reactions. It was going to be both of our parents’ first grandchild. All of our siblings’ first niece or nephew. My grandparents first great grandchild, and my aunt and uncle’s first great niece or nephew.
A few months later, October of last year, I got a tattoo to remember my baby. It is a heart, half of it is a black outline of a heart, the other half is made up of a ribbon that is pink and blue that symbolizes pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Getting the tattoo helped me with some form of closure. I also love the symbolism of carrying this tattoo like I wish I could carry my baby. I take comfort in that our first little one never knew the pain of the world, never knew fear, but first opened their eyes and were in the arms of God, in the safety of heaven, where I will finally get to meet them one day.
It has been a year and four months since my miscarriage, and we still have not managed to fall pregnant again. We continue to pray that every month might be our month. We still have hard days, where the pain and grief comes forward and we can’t help but to cry and feel helpless. I still wake up in sweats some nights, remembering what it was like to miscarry our baby. I actually went on anxiety medication for some time because I couldn’t get restful sleep and I couldn’t focus on anything but my grief. I don’t think anyone should be ashamed to ask their doctor for help if they need a little extra help.
Other things I used to help me cope were things like devotionals. I went online and ordered a few devotional books specifically for women who had miscarried, also about women who struggled with fertility. I also read and reread Hannah’s story in the Bible. I use her as an example. I pray like Hannah. I want to be like Hannah. I want to be faithful and know that in God’s timing we will grow our earthly family like he plans for us.
I found that in this time, I learned a lot about myself, about what I can handle, about strength I never knew I had. Justin and I have been through something that a lot of people don’t understand and it’s hard for others to relate, but 1 in 4 pregnancies are lost due to miscarrying. A lot of women don’t even know they were pregnant to begin with. However, the ones who know, know what this feels like. I want them to know they aren’t alone even though it feels like the loneliest time in your life. I want them to know that there’s hope when there seems like there is none. I want them to know that we will all rejoice with God one day, alongside our precious babies. There is hope in the Lord. There is love in the Lord.
RESOURCES:
- Favorite Bible verses during this time: Psalm 22: 9-10, Jeremiah 1: 4-5, & Isaiah 44:2
- Here’s a link to the miscarriage ornament the ladies recieved at the end of the video. This beautiful glass ornament is a wonderful memorial piece for those who have lost a child.
- Below are the devotionals I used throughout the grieving process. The images are clickable and will take you directly to them on amazon.
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